Ok, It's time for me to make a confession. Those who know me really well already know this, but my husband and I have had a little bit of a rough patch in our marriage over the last year.
This summer we will be celebrating our 10th year of marriage, but we almost didn't make it. I won't go in to details as to why, those who know us best already know, but I will share why I believe our marriage is now stronger than it ever was, and why it will only get stronger.
You have heard it said that communication is vital to any healthy relationship, and yet most people completely ignore this fact, I know I did. Basic communication is nessesary for any relationship, and when that fails, a breakdown in the structure of your relationship is inevitable. It usually starts as one person being upset with the other, but instead of voicing their feelings they bottle it up inside to avoid a fight. This might not seem like a big deal at first, but this creates a habit and performing this action again and again leads to bitterness and anger. The problem is you may not even recognize your resentment for your spouse, you just know that you love them, but sometimes the smallest things they do aggravate you. Sometimes this resentment will grow into a monster that cannot be controlled. If you recognize it, you can stop it and make healthier changes to your relationship. It is equally important that you make your relationship a safe zone for communication. If one spouse or the other feels as though they cannot safely share their emotions without ridicule or retaliation then the dynamic will not be equal and the relationship will fail. It takes two, in everything you do.
Making your feelings known to your spouse will help keep your own anger at bay, but how do you help your spouse relieve their stress from the day and encourage relational growth at the same time? After my husband and I began our healing process to get our marriage back on the right track we did a lot of researching, spoke to a councelor, tried just being nice to each other, etc. The one thing that made an enormous impact on our relationship was the 5 love languages theory. You may or may not have heard of this so let me give you the rundown.
Author Gary Chapman wrote about the 5 love languages in His 1995 book of the same name. There has been no research done, but common sense and personal testimonies show that Mr. Chapman is really on to something. In the book he details the methods of love that people are predispositioned to. Some people may have more than 1 of these love languages. You can discover your love language by how you express love to others, and how you enjoy love being expressed to you. The love languages are as follows.
GIFTS- People whose love language is gifts tend to enjoy recieving and giving physical items. This is not to say they only care about getting things from people, but rather they view a gift given in love as a loving gesture. Items can hold special meaning to that person for a lifetime. These people tend to be more sentimental to their things as they will hold memories for them. Handmade gifts will be especially valued.
QUALITY TIME - People whose love languange is quality time enjoy spending uninterrupted one on one time with their loved ones. Deep conversation rules the heart so turn off the cell phones,laptops, and tv's if you want to show these people you love them. Giving your uninterrupted time to your spouse should be a must for every couple, but for the love language people, this is when they feel most loved and this time is what they will treasure most.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION- Who doesn't like being told how amazing they are??? Well most people do enjoy a good compliment, but for some people, affirmation equals love. Letting your spouse know how thankful you are for all that they do regularly is a surefire way to let them know how much you care. Telling them how much you like the way they smell, or how they always laugh at your jokes will make them euphoric.
ACTS OF SERVICE- The acts of service crowd sees love in the things people do for them. They tend to get more emotional when people do things for them. Seemingly insignificant acts, such as doing your spouses chores for them without being asked, or rubbing their feet after a long day, will mean so much more to some people because they view this as love being expressed through action. It may not seem like much to you at the time, but for them, the act is a gesture of pure love.
PHYSICAL TOUCH- This one is pretty self explanatory. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and being close physically is not everyones cup of tea. Some people just don't like being touched. The people whose love language is touch will melt in your arms as you hold them close. The act of physical touch leaves them feeling on top of the world in a way that nothing else does.
It is important to realize that you can't make a person feel loved by doing what you like unless their love language is the same as yours. If your spouse has a different love language it is important to communicate your love to them in a way they understand, which means learning what makes them melt. It is important to communicate regularly as well. Mr. Chapman refers to this as "filling the love tank". Love is a reciprocating cycle. The more you love on your spouse the more they will love on you, but it has to start somewhere so why not start with you? It took my husband and I a while to figure this out, but we have it down pat now. I discovered that I enjoy physical touch the most. A year ago we would sit on opposit ends of the couch, playing on our phones, watching tv, rarely touching other than a hug goodbye before work. He wanted me to tell him how much I appreciated him, but I assumed that by cooking his dinner, cleaning and taking care of the kids and household, and getting things for him, and rubbing his feet was enough. It wasn't.
After discovering the 5 love languages we start putting it into action. I now sit next to my husband on the couch when we play on our phones. We hold hands when watching tv. I offer him praise when he does something and tell him everyday how much I love him. We have both never been happier. Of course we try some of the other love languages out too. My husband writes me love notes, I buy him small gifts when I go out. Whats amazing is that this change in our behavior has trickled down to our children. We see our love reflected in them every day now in a way we've not seen before. We still have a ways to go in building up our marriage, it is a lifetime commitment, not a one and done sort of thing, but thanks to the 5 love languages, I believe we have repaired those basic building blocks and have created an environment in which love will thrive.
i am very proud of both of you ..
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